The final bell rings announcing the end of the school day, and students dart from their classes to the parking lot like bats out of hell. Shoes screech against the linoleum of the Hall of Excellence, the sharp bang of students shoving open doors mixing with the metallic jangling of car keys to form a perverted war anthem. In seconds, the school turns from a peaceful oasis into the Hunger Games, upperclassmen racing against each other to be the first to the parking lot.
The parking lot in question is a unique dystopian arena where Ford Broncos square off against Toyota Camrys in a brutal battle for the coveted prize of escaping traffic two minutes earlier than everyone else. This mad-dash has historically ended in a daily gridlock of groaning teenagers and screeching brakes, which more often than not features some of the worst drivers the world has ever seen.
The first offender has been donned “The Big Bad Truck.” Often maneuvered by a teenage boy who believes horsepower equals superiority, this beast operates on diesel and delusion. Courtesy is not a word these drivers are familiar with, nor a philosophy they care to practice. They will honk and rev their obnoxious engines until the cows come home, and there’s truthfully nothing that can be done to get them to stop.
The second kind of driver at fault is known as The Feeble First Timer. Bless their hearts! These poor souls creep through the lot at a steady 5 miles per hour, both hands clutching the wheel like at any moment a T-Rex is going to stomp out of the woods and step on them. They yield to everything, causing massive blockages to students waiting in the main exit line. Their reluctance to stand their ground is a tragic tale in the story of after school parking lot dilemmas.
Our last culprit is known as The Hot Cheeto Girl On Steroids. If chaos had a driver’s license, it would be these people. They ignore lanes, cones, laws, and basic human decency. Need to sideswipe the car next to you to get through traffic? No problem. Need to drive over the landscaping to get out quicker? Absolutely. These are the type of people who will lightly bump your car, stare into your soul, and then just drive away.
You may be wondering what the solution to these traffic problems are, and my answer to you is that it would be redundant to try and provide solutions to the absolute madness that is the parking lot. Unless you happen to possess a magic potion which would cause drivers to suddenly become incredibly efficient and courteous, in which case I’d encourage you to try it out. Until then, may your bumpers stay intact, your patience stay unbroken, and your exit strategy be ever in your favor.
